The Bitter Taste of Near-defeat

What a crazy life I have landed myself in. My passion for chaos, has finally overcome me. It's everywhere, all around, pure chaos.

The chaos of the shelter, the chaos of Imagine, the chaos of not having a car, the chaos of hell, living in Boulder.

I almost wove the white flag today.

Last night I worked my favorite shift at the shelter, the long, which puts me there from 5pm to 1am. I like this shift because you're there for all the excitement and fast-paced motion of intake from 5-7. Then after that, (unless interupted by extreme intoxication, medication, or mental illness) it slows down and thats the perfect time to walk around and chat it up with whoever. After around 11 or so, people disappear into the dorms, and you're left with a couple hours to kick it and do some reading. I love it.

Last night, I chilled in the TV room with the guys to watch 24. I was in there for about 20 minutes having a pretty enthralling life-conversation with my buddy John, when my walkie-talkie made that oh-so-official sounding static sound. Josh, another resident, who is a self-proclaimed hippie, spun around and said, "Oh man!! You're in here? I didn't even know, you totally snuck in under my radar!" Now, I had properly dressed in an old stretched out hoodie, with an oversized tye-dye shirt hanging out the bottom, my orange sneakers, and my hair all poorly bobby-pinned into what attempted to be a pony tail. So, he spit one of my favorite lines at the shelter so far..."Look at you! No more tye-dye to work...thats like dressing like the enemy! Unfair!" I almost peed myself laughing.

The rest of the night was filled with strange and obscure comments and occurences that kept me laughing and muttering "I love my job."

On to the next realm of chaos...me not having a car. So i bolt out of work an hour early to catch the last bus down Broadway. I learn that the other bus that I need to transfer to, has already stopped running. Long story short, the bus driver goes off-route and offers to drop me at the corner of my street. Ha! Thank goodness, it was that or wake up my already passed out roommate, who has already forfeited enough sleep due to my war with transportation.

Today, I go to Imagine. I sit through a Cooperative Behvior class. Which I adamantly took notes for (because I am a nerd and crave the rewarding feeling I get from organizing thoughts into neat little outlines on paper, yea...I know...). All of this made me miss school incredibly. The speaker had his PhD in behavioral science and gave some very logical and helpful hints on, well, how to parent more effectively. Which, is basically what we are doing in the time we spend with these kids. He spke about "junk behavior", a.k.a rolling eyes, stomping feet, yelling etc. He gave tips on how to ignore it properly, and how to positively reinforce rather than negatively. All very interesting, and I'm sure, all very effective.
Now, possible after a full day of "junk behavior" or "temper tantrums" or "long day at work"? Maybe not. But either way, rather interesting.

I then went over to work my shift with the after-school program. And OH, what a shift it was.

We were doing music today. We sit in a circle, we sing, we dance, we make animal noises, we play instruments. What do we do if we don't want to do any of the above? Easy, we pick Lauren as your primary staff, and...we pardon my French, "lose our shit".

I was working with a little 10-year-old girl today who suffers from many different disorders, and who apparantly, does not like music. Barbies, but not music. My agenda quickly turned from attempting to get her to participate in music, to getting her attention away from biting and scratching herself. Her frustration only grew. I tried every "can you please your voice with me, (insert name here)?" And every "can I have your eyes please?" And every "Can you tell me what you want to do, I love to hear your voice..." i tried going for a walk, I tried to distract her with a different toy. She was just plain not having it. It escalated to her dropping to the floor, screaming, biting, and banging her head against the floor. I was fighting to hang in there, to regain her attention, and to divert her energy somewhere else. She eventually despised me for that, sat up, and ran her little nails down my entire hand, grabbing my other one to bite it. Luckily, I escaped that attempt.

Finally, feeling totally defeated and helpless, I turned to another staff member. She had to be escorted into another room, where her tantrum lingered on for another hour or so.

I learned something today, I learned where my breaking point resides.

I have never felt so overwhelmed, defeated and inadequate all at once, in my whole life. Seeing that this was only my third shift, and on my previous one, I was grabbed and bit, I just did not have the strength to withstand another defeat. I went back to the group, slightly shaky and on the verge of tears. I contemplated quitting, coming to the conclusion that I was just not the type of person that could handle this sort of thing. I wanted to leave, and go home.

It is not an empowering feeling, to learn where that weak link in your self lies. I had a silent battle with myself while I sat out the rest of music. (The chaos with other kids only rose around me in the meantime)

After shift, I got to talk with a bunch of the different staff members, all who have been there longer than I. I asked what else i could have done, the answer was nothing. That I handled it perfectly, said all the right things, and tried everything i was supposed to try. The answer was to let her have it out, and simply protect her from hurting herself or you. I felt better learning that. Learning that i wasn't completely inadequate or helpless, that there just is not a a comfortable solution to that situation.

I decided, I'm in this, and I am capable. Couple rough days, (which I'm told is "rare") and now I am facing it as a challenge again. A challenge to get to know the kids, to get them comfortable with me, as much as there is room for.

I go back tomorrow.

I may go back in full body armor.