Just to get by

NEWS FLASH: Lauren quit her job at L'Absinthe.
NEWS UPDATE: Lauren is learning quite well the art of "just getting by".

That's right. I quit. On the spot. No notice. No other job lined up. Just done.
Of course that was never my intention. I will have all of you know that I had full responsible intentions to land another job, and then give my two weeks, like an adult.
Then I realized what "adults" I was dealing with. And I came to the conclusion, they certainly have never been, and especially now, were not worth my respect. I mean, how many times can you tell an employee that they're not needed, or that they've been replaced, before said employee gracefully says "Fine, I'm just gonna go now then."

Anyway, back to the job search, and the intense scrambling for shifts at the shelter. We're all "jobless", we're all starved for more hours, and we're all dancing on that line of part-time, full-time, no-time.

And you know what? I'm not one bit stressed. I've suprised myself even. I've been waiting for that familiar weight to settle in...that pressure to have a plan. That pressure to have an answer.

And well, that weights just not coming. I am not saying that I am not aware that I have rent to pay, or bills to pay, or a life to lead responsibly. I am fully aware of where I stand. And that I am still standing.

I'm back to the same job searching, the same rejection, the same realizing that a college degree means nothing unless you are specifically applying in the realm of your particular degree. And I mean, who does that?

INSERT OPINIONATED MOMENT OF PREACHING HERE: 18 is too young to go to college. No one knows what they want at 18. (I use "no one" for dramatics only, I know thats a generalization) We go in, and we are expected to choose a "direction" to take our life, in between the time we're learning how to take care of a roommate who is spending the night with the toilet and how to convince your RA that your back pack really is full of books. It's too young. They tell you that you can wait until your junior year to declare a major. What they don't tell you, is that if you wait until junior year, you won't be graduating until 6 years later. What they don't tell you is that, once you are finished, you will receive a piece of paper that says "YAY, you made it!" and then they will shove their boot up your college-grad pants to send you out into what you will find to be...a world full of far "more experienced" candidates.

I'm really not as bitter as that sounds. Most of the time.

I lucked out with the shelter. It is still beyond me why I was hired, but I couldn't be happier.
I was lucky enough to throw elbows, and pick up some shifts this week. I'm working almost a consecutive week, and its paying off. I am extremely comfortable, I am getting to know the residents and they are getting to know me. I am feeling that favoritism shine through though. Some of them just absolutely win your heart. There is one old man, Colby, who I just absolutely adore. He walks slightly hunched over with a cane in hand, and is usually all bundled up in his hat, scarf, and mittens. He talks with an accent straight out of an old black and white film. Last night during the lottery to get in, he pulled a 145...out of 160. Which means he will for sure be one of the last to go in, and thats even if he makes it in at all. I kept looking over at him standing there, quietly, and patiently in the cold. While other complained and whined about how unfair the lottery is, and about how they're too old for the cold, or all their handicaps that hurt worse in this weather. Colby finally waddled over to me and quietly asked "Do you think I have a chance of getting in tonight?" There is no way I could put this man out in the cold. We were told in training that if you ever feel like someone may deserve a bed no matter what number they pulled, to go ahead and do that. So I did, I called Colby in with the next group. Right before he went in, he mentioned to me how he has cancer and that he just can't hold up the way he used to.

I feel like screaming, IS ANYONES GRANDFATHER MISSING?! Have you lost your Grandpa today? Is there a Poppy that you've misplaced? Is there a Pup, or a Pop, or a Papa that disappeared recently?

But I don't. I just find him at dinner and sit down to chat about how "it was a beautiful day" he says, and how "this dinner is delicious" and how "someone up there blessed him again today." And I have to peel my heart of my sleeve and go about my night. You never quite know how these people end up where they are. And you can't dwell on it.

I can dwell on that fact that I love it, and that there is nothing more rewarding than this. There is nothing more perfect for me. And I will continue to "just get by" if it means that I can be on the ground, with people, feeling the rawness of life every day.