An Essay

I am about to have an anxiety attack over here. Why? Because I can't write.
So I'll write about how I cant write to calm my anxiety about not being able to write.

I need to write an essay to give to SCSU to be formerly accepted in to the Special Education Program. They tell me write an essay that answers "Why do you want to be a Special Education teacher?" Well for crissake, this should be easy.

Why, then, I have been sitting here for like...3 hours. One hamburger, two glasses of water, an IM conversation, two iTunes playlists, a coffee and two bathroom breaks later...I am staring at the same G.D. paragraph. I even relocated to my room, my bed, tried the sound of traffic, blaring music, no music, the T.V. I was honestly considering radio static.
Nothing.

I mean, sure, I know why I want to be a Special Education teacher. I freakin LOVE these kids! I love their energy, I love their challenges, I love their dances and noises, I love their complete unpredictability. I love how we interact, I love the non-verbal communication, and I love the breakthroughs. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me feel more frustrated and more defeated than I ever have. Then they make me feel more important and appreciated than I ever have.

I love the intensity of it all.

I love the detective work. Determining the root of a behavior, the function of it, and how to eliminate it. Relying on pure positivity as a solution in most cases.

I love the creativity. Determining appropriate goals for each kid and then creating the means in which to teach it. I love teaching it! I love seeing "proud" on their face. I love seeing recognition of accomplishment. I love the high fives and applause and glances of "I get it." I even love the defeat...the refused lesson, the yell of "I DON'T get it", the whack of "I'll do what I want!". Ha.

I love the mission behind it all. Providing the tools for these kids to lead a productive life, to participate in the community, to have meaningful relationships and to experience happiness. Because they can. I see it every day. They may always need support, but really, who doesn't?

I can write and write and ramble on about how my heart has never been more fully "in" anything, about how I promise I will be the best teacher I can be, about how it all makes so much sense. But an "essay"? Ugh. Passion does not translate easily into professional, for me.

Guess I should hurry up and get better at that.